A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
I wish I could save this moment forever and have sex with it regularly. Its just tht beautiful.
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
Ok... I'm a little jealous... Grab her pig tails and ride her like a jet ski. Making motor noises is optional.
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
ON A SIMILAR NOTE MY DICK SIZE PSYCHIC SKILLS ARE SO GOOD
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
I don'y know if I should feel accomplished or disgusted. I just ate a dozen cookies all to myself. I'm leaning more towards accomplished.
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
Dude, I just turned down sexual favours because I need to study... What the fuck is wrong with me?
Randomize
