i have the same doorman on the day shift as the guyi shacked with has on the night shift. he just laughed at me when i came home this AM. FML
I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
I just saw a commercial for "tickle me elmo hands" and I am almost 100 percent sure that at the end elmo said "yeaaaaa boooyyyyyy"
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
Dude that bathroom stall was not tall enough to be doing lines in, guys kept peeking over and giving us high fives
July 5th AKA Day of regret AKA picnicing in a laundromat. Someone puked allover the comforter. Liffe of champions.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
Want to come over and play therapist and then fuck all the emotion away?
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
Tequila ran out around 11 so she let them do body shots of chips and guacamole instead
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
Randomize
