My pussy is not your playground.
So two questions...why am I covered in muffins and are there pictures of this.
he kept his composure pretty well until he puked on the cop car
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
I told the American that we should start banging in Canada incase I get hurt and have to go to the hospital.. is that rude to say?
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
just went home with a guy that made fun of me in elementary school. this blow job is not going well for him.
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