Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
But why is there no point in liking him? Does he have herpes? Is he married? Is he gay? Did he get his penis chopped off in a freak accident? If the answer is no to all of the above, then he is fair game
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
I wouldn't necessarily say I'm in her pants...I'd say I'm more on the on ramp to the freeway to the long way to her pants. There really isn't a short cut.
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
There seems no grander way to celebrate 420 than to smoke atop a mountain peak.
Last night was so embarrassing. I got like almost blackout drunk and threw up in my hand and then blamed it on someone else.
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
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