your suggestions for charades were, getting sucked into an aircraft turbine, getting raped by a dolphin, and having sex with a vacuum cleaner. you got your own, and actually used a vacuum cleaner as a prop.
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
i just got hit on on the bus. Yes sir, because its every boys dream to fuck a forty year old with a face tattoo
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
you just have the mind of an innocent, non-tainted child.
YOU KNOW THAT'S BULLSHIT BECAUSE YOU'RE THE REASON IT'S BULLSHIT
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
We ended the night eating peanutbutter with our hands and smoking cigarettes in the house at 4am. Fucking Everclear, man.
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
And then there was cum in my hair and he was making beans.
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