i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
My entire floor is waiting for the couple to come out of the shower. She's a screamer. We've blockaded them
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
I have an odd instinct I wont find my underwear tonight
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
im glad im back to a point in my life where i have enough sex to sometimes be offered and be like naw im good.
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
Idk I saw a cheetah print onesie and it reminded me of your Lion King fantasy.
He fucked me harder than I've ever been fucked before and afterwards he started crying and profusely apologizing to god and baby Jesus for his sin.
Randomize
