haha i took a picture of myself naked on her camera
She didnt have a camera...
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
Dude give me 4 good reasons we shouldn't trade girlfriends tonight
We shoved chex mix between her tits for her own survival.
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
I am about to embark upon a south Boston wedding....
Hydrate.
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
I told him to not try to hang out with me ever again and now I regret it Bc im bleeding through my uterus and just want him to suck on my aching nipples
Randomize
