i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
I hate that the only Italian aspect of me is I get red and sweaty when I drink
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
lets grab drinks (in a friendly, not super awkward because ive eaten your ass kind of way) sometime soon
wow.
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
IT'S SUMMA TIME
ITS SUMMA TIME NOT BE HIGH ALL THE TIME TIME
THEY'RE THE SAME THING
There is a hatefuck that has the destruction level of an atom bomb raging through my viens just aching to vaporize her.
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
Randomize
