this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
I hope you get some kind or rare disease that makes your dick ties itself in a knot for fucking her you lucky bastard.
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
If there's anything my liberal arts education has taught me, it's belligerence.
I just remembered something. We made out last night, people cheered.
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
Bahahah I should. I’m the free range drunk girl who should clearly not be free range because who knows what kind of fuckery I would get into
Randomize