12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
Even the bartender felt bad for me
Just got blown on the bus in front of abot 20 ppl. Lots of high fives.
It sucks..Now I'm depressed because appearence wise, she's the closest to my favorite pornstar I'll ever get..
Jim came in did 3 body shots of her she said "I like your tongue" and they left. I swear to god its deja vu he's done it before
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
What’s the best way to find out if he’s into anal?
I think you have the wrong number, but good luck with that
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
Randomize