apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
You going to midnight mass? we need a dd
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
This is the guy who showed up to the first day of class with a 24 pack of coke and a handle of rum in his backpack. He doesnt play by normal people rules.
Bible prof is the guy I made out with at the gay bar on the fourth. He doesn't remember.
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
Well since your going through her phone..look man she loves you..she just loves my dick more
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
It's a little sad/awesome that I scored coke within 60 seconds of walking in the bar.
The student becomes the teacher.
I seriously doubt this is the first time pumpkin pie has led to a booty call.
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
Randomize
