They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
You gave him your vagina and this is what I get in return? This is bullshit!
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
He said that if more girls show up hes not going to ask ages... Spoken like a true sex offender
this dude just took some girl under your house for half an hour. you may have helped a 17 year old fuck on the beach for the first time. congrats.
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
And then you guys went on to show us ur sex positions from the before. Thanks
um so slept at robs. he woke up, looked at me, and said ' oh my psychiatrists are gonna have a field day with this one' I think that's when you know you can't hang out with someone anymore
Blacked out, Had to be carried out of the bar again by two large black bouncers. Asked them to be my "boo thangz" Again.
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
Randomize
