At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
How do I say "sorry I gave you and your sister herpes" in German?
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
i need to un-sleep with a few of those brothers before we ever go back to that house again. i'm serious. i will not be a fraternity groupie.
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
Randomize
