I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
I don't know if it was the room or her, but as soon as the pants came off, it smelt like a locker room and old man farts.
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
I feel more comfortable going down on her then actually kissing her.
just cheers'ed a flock of cattle as i drove past eating a burger i bought 7 hours ago. that high.
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
he just sent me a dick pic, it highly resembled a cheese stick
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
Randomize
