And then I watched some old guy get arrested for meeting some other old guy for a blow job. It was epic.
just heard a swedish guy suck in helium and speak in his accent. top 5 favorite moments. ever.
new revelation: five guys for breakfast
new revelation: previous revelation not a good revelation
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
Also when they left they could only find one sock between the two of them. Apparently we're like crazy sock ripping vixens when we bring guys home drunk
I mean...he was throwing up for almost 3 consecutive hours. I don't think there's a chance in hell that would have tasted even close to tolerable.
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
THEY HAVE BEEN GOING AT IT FOR 2 HOURS AND I HEAR THEM BANGING THIS IS BULLSHIT
Well I just had a flashback of something I did in the 4th grade. Now I can't go back to sleep.
Randomize
