i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
It started with Hannah Montana and ended with alcoholism.
I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
i feel like his penis is a security blanet. i cant fall asleep unless its in my hand
it was like lady and the tramp only with a jello shot on the pool table
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
She made out with the kickboxers bf. She was just asking to get kicked in the head. In the middle of the bar.
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
Randomize
