he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
Just saw a guy wearing pink jeans and i bet he's straight. Fuck 2009.
make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
I can't tell you details but at one point I had her pee strapped to my back in a ziploc
I'm convinced that the Christmas lights in my room contributed to the great sex.
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
Masturbating during the Olympics and cumming during the national anthem really is everything it's cracked up to be. Just thought you should know.
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
I realize my mistake but don't you dare school me in cock, young man
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
Randomize
