My little brother has some high school girls in my pool, it's like a jailbait buffet in my backyard
Just turned elections for the sorority into a drinking game. Right on.
Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
is it bad that my walk of shame involves the church shuttle?
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
I stepped in puke last night then washed it off my shoe with beer. Is there a grace period to respect before wearing them to class?
you don't go into accounting for the pussy....
Why were you twerking to, "The Wheels on the Bus"?
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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