Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
God, you're like boner-b-gone
I take back everything I said about communal showers
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
just gonna show up naked this time. that way i dont have to worry about finding my clothes tomorrow
It felt like Party Santa dropped by and gave us two more 18-packs.
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
she's an english major so her sexts are something i look forward to
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
Did you take the bag w/your drugs & cookie cutter?
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
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