with your own penis?
i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
you ever get that eerie feeling when you walk in a room, when you know youve barfed here before.
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
Tell nick i'm sorry for throwing a block of cheese at him last night
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
The office pool is up to $500 if you take a shit in Frank's desk drawer. Time to change the unpaid internship into a cash cow.
OK am i seriously the only one who thinks Cocaine Tuesdays is a bad idea?
You looked at my sister and yelled at her saying in a couple of years she will be yours
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
Randomize
