The line was so long at Kum n Go some guy opened & drank 2 beers from his 12 pack while waiting.
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
Because once my penis is in motion, it stays in motion unless another force acts upon it.
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
I hope Team Snapchat has been enjoying our sex snaps all this week.
I don't fucking know. I'm out stimulating the economy. Not locked in a room with a marker board.
Oh at the liquor store again?
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
it was all good until mid make out when he announced 'i just came'. ...he wasn't joking.
Randomize
