Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
Semen is not good for contacts.
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
My 19 year old brother just hooked up with his 45 year old cougar kindergarten teacher. These sorts of situations make me realize why the sorority girls call him Wondercock
Lol. I get my husbands paycheck every week. Immediate deposit into my purse next to his balls.
See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
She's the queen of dating. She managed to get a date with a guy who saw her puke five times in two hours.
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
Just saw the pics from the bachelor party. When the hell did we go to southie. And why was there a chicken in the limo..? You guys really are my best friends.
I still think he’s a fuckboy but he’s nice to me when I’m over.\nLike sets alarms for me in the morning and always makes sure I cum.
I'm just trying to figure out the reason why humans wear socks....
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
