cant believe you said you would bone perez hilton
i said paris hilton
thats even worse
So..he puked on my dress and I had to walk back to the dorms in his little sisters Scooby Doo pajamas.
I don't know you.
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
Well, emily woke up in Hoboken, cati woke up in jersey city, and i woke up in brooklyn....and our hotel room we rented in the city remained empty. Best birthday yet.
Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
I know man...but i cant pass up a catholic school girl fantasy
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
After round two, I told him he deserves an award. He bowed and did a princess wave WHILE his dick was still inside me.
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
Randomize
