Ok I love you more. To infumty and beyong.
My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
Well it was 11am and we were walking to the market with red cups in our hands yelling NO JUDGEMENT at every car that passed
Did you just buzz the apartment and throw shit at the window? Josh and rob came into my room and woke me up
Fuck you Ian. U owe me $3.65 cuz thasts what I thfrew at ur window trying to wake ur ass up. And fuck u for not giving a shit
I dont even remember coming home... All my stuff is strewn randomly around my apartment... And I woke up at 5 sitting propped up in my bed with just my arm in a shirt
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
You left your phone here
Wait...
Randomize
