It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
The sex was so not worth the four dollars it cost to drive over the bridge
His best friend walked in while we were banging, turned on the light, yelled BURN, grabbed his computer to play the Thunderstruck drinking game, turned off the light and left.
Currently flirting with a 57 year old. Why do i do this
I think mounting someone proves who's house this is
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
Makers Mark. Chicken nuggets in a blender. Smart
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
I can't even spell what he said he was on. And I had to call 4 people before someone had heard of it.
You shouted "my financial aid just came in, who wants a shot?!" Half the bar followed
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
Randomize
