talking dirty on facebook chat is the new phone sex.
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
Is it possible to be sexually attracted to someone's hair?
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
its liver damage thursday
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
Randomize
