I love how girls just decide that guys who don't like them must be gay
I do the same thing. If a girl doesn't like me...I am like, "i must be gay"
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
I am coping with the snow storm with beer and shots of jack. If I were outside in shorts I might be able to pass as a Canadian.
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
And I'm laying here struggling with the notion that I need to put pants on.
I just used an Amazon gift card from a student to order a new vibrator....teacher of the year
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
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