I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
It was odd. His friends dick tasted the same as his. Friends are beginning to have to much in common
EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT!
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
I've never been so embarrassed. It's like waking up as Fred Durst.
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
I am the prescription. I can be taken orally or vaginally and in any dosage. This is why I went to med school.
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
So we broke my sobriety. Played life size childhood games. Broke into a cold hot tub and got laid. I think this is BFF quality!
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
I feel like any time there's that much rope, lingerie, and horse masks on the ground, it's safe to say it was a great night
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