I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
If a video of someone that looks like me banging that chick on the hood of her car in some parking lot suddenly shows up on the web... let me know, I gotta see how that turned out.
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
Well, my mom found the ball gag and whip. Looks like I'm never going home again.
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
Give me the sexing that I truly desire and I will reveal to you the mysterious location of the PBR's
Randomize
