It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
I'm playing the Jersey Shore drinking game by myself at my mom's house. Things like this are not okay after college.
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
its official: beach shits are the exact same as mountain shits
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
It was rough. I have dried puke in my hair and I don't know if it's mine or from the girl I met on the ground waiting for a cab.
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
I didn't really understand how big 10 inches is. Now I know.
That's true. Ask me when I'm not fucked up. Nvm hold on. Btw. Wikipedia dinosaur. It's fascinating
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