The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
Remember that amazing deer? You peed next to that dear..
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
You think posting ushers "let it burn" video on his fb page is in bad taste? haha
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
Can I just have sex with him and then never talk to him? I need him to be the Mr. Miyagi of my sex life.
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
Randomize
