I slayed a troll last night at BC guess i thought i was back in college
You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
I believe in using alcohol to heal from the inside. Not as a topical solution.
I just realized I haven't had a date or a potential possibility of a date in about a year. Then I realized I wanted to actually go on a date. But I'm sitting here getting high instead of being at a party. Life.
We were taking body shots by lunch. I love college.
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
Your amazing boobs made me fall in love with boobs. I never cared about boobs you should be proud
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
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