I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
help help how do i get him away from me should i talk in a robot voice or something
i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
And then i made him answer questions about me before i took off my clothes
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
Don't count me out just yet. Considering bartering a blowjob to see if that boy from work will take my shift.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
I told him I was very thankful for what his country has done to my vagina and walked away.
Virginity is like the pottery barn-you break it, you bought it.
Thanks....I've always wanted my vagina compared to an overpriced coffee table
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
Randomize
