youre lurking in front of me
you made pancakes with beer, you said they were good. then you threw up 15 minutes later
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
I decided taking Molly and seeing Birdman seemed like a wise life choice.
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
Would love to dress up in respectable attire and take you out somewhere nice and then do disgusting crude things in public
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
We got to the hospital and the girls who caused the accident had already added you on facebook.
Randomize
