I'd wear matching sweaters with you
she left her pants. im pretty sure she grabbed mine on accident. im like 9 man sizes bigger than her. wtf
Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
you know what sucks? talking to chicks you dont want to have sex with
Sorry I had passed out by this time I think, with the chicken fingers ON my face in my bed, with all the lights on, and ketchup all over.
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
Virgins should have to wear a badge. This burden is too heavy...
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
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