Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
I just creeped all your pictures on Facebook -- it was like I watched you grow up right before my eyes.
How do u explain cocaine to a 9 year old?
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
I already left my house once this summer. Maybe we could do something in October.
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
The sorting hat of life was not kind to you.....
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
Randomize
