Can i not drive my cunt home
So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
Just blew a perc off the traytable on my flight, spring break has begun!!
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
I am almost positive I asked to milk her when I was saying my goodbyes.
Ya he's the booze devil, like if the black hole and Bermuda triangle joined forces with Captain Morgan
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
Worse. He's Mormon. At least a gay guy will go get drinks with me.
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
They are like the regular squirrels and we are flying squirrels
Randomize
