I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
They said you went back in for 30 minutes and were walking with your arms out like an eagle soaring
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
Science requires me to take a picture of your nipples.
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
I promise it wsnt a penis when i put it in my mouth
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