I know right? mind you this is the same woman who told me when I was 12 that oral sex just meant talking dirty
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
i just bought plan b at the bus station. happy holidays and welcome to a new level of white trashiness.
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
We didnt even know he was in the house until he came downstairs and asked why he was wet
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
This morning confirmed it...there's no maybe about it. She definitely wasn't born with it. It was definitely the Maybelline.
must go to store soon wiping with panty liner ugh
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
I only gave you one rule about using the beach house: don’t get cum on anything!
You’ve seen my tits! You had to know that rule was unrealistic! Does it help that he was really cute?
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