I can't believe believe she called me a slut. She doesn't know anything about me or my life.
Shit, that's something a lot of sluts say.
He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
If I go there, please come with. It will accelerate the lesbian rumor but be totally worth it.
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
I told you, she may have multiple personality disorder, but like in the most upbeat way possible.
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
well at least you didn't have your nipples chewed last night
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
Randomize
