I just ran up four flights of stairs in heels, im getting an orgasm tonite.
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
Next time we do shrooms i am finding an open field at sunrise and running through it and nobody is stopping me this time!
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
Randomize
