I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
consequently i now know what mace tastes like
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
Will i get arrested If i steal the salvatiion arny guys bell for ringing it to close to my hangover
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
I mean we don't talk anymore but I still see him around wearing that sweater he stole from me after we had sex
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
Randomize
