Uhhh...do I owe you any money? Or an apology? Or anything?
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
I mean, we started to hook up but my asthma attack kind of killed the mood
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
Just fucked a MILF from Alaska. I love traveling.
CUM CAME OUT OF MY NOSE. MY SINUSES ARE ENTIRELY FUCKED UP NOW BC OF THE CUM TRAVELING IN PLACES IT SHOULD NOT HAVE.
I woke up with the gnarliest cold/hangover combo
Thats what u get when u have butt ass naked rooftop sex at night in december
Worth it.
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
HE WAS CUMMING IN THAT DICK PIC
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
I cant promise hot guys but i can promise alcohol which is close enough.
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