the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
If life deals in absolutes, the in betweens are the most hairy.... Fortune cookie wisdom from a stoned Megan.
I made out with a guy because he was sitting on my coat...
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
It's a journey
And the destination is his penis?
Precisely.
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
White people are beatboxing! Save me.
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
Randomize
