when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
yes, the chronicles of narnia is exactly what happens when you do crack inside of a wardrobe.
i walked into his room and he was eskimo kissing his weed..
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
Did u smell a guys dreadlocks in the McDonald's drive thru line last night or did I dream that?
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
Well you got kicked off a stripper pole. They said girls only.
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
HANDS OFF UNTIL AFTER I DO BUTT STUFF WITH HIM.
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
Randomize
