we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
he literaly had a hockey helmet on and was swan diving off the couch onto the coffee table.
just got in my apt...and theres jungle juice here i left from over a month ago..this could be interesting...or deadly
My head is pounding and I need an ice pack for my vag. Successful friendsgiving!
Qdoba locked their bathrooms last night.. I suppose so people didn't pee all over them? I considered it counter productive considering I just peed on the outside of their building then. I had to pee
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
He fucked me so well and hard that the couch slid into the Christmas tree. I had to pull branches out of my hair.
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
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