I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
btw good call for not making out for a pitcher of vodka, this hangover is bad enough
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
I can neither confirm or deny any bear related allegations right at this time.
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
Also they do not have any come back to america, i miss my fuck buddy cards at Hallmark.
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
FUCK... Pulled a chick from the bar went to her house passed out on the shitter. She lives in a house full of girls. They were making poop jokes as i left
The cops just came to this party I'm at and ate all of our snacks
Dude just crushed our bbq lays and told us to quiet down
I just had to remind myself that I'm visible in real life. Sitting in the car in a parking lot, and almost took my shirt off because the tag is itchy and I wanted it off... and you know I don't wear bras...
Randomize
