Its sad we have to plan out fun a month in advance. 30 sucks.
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
if we break up, blackout me is coming back, making out with everything in sight
Get here now. This is going to be possibly my most dangerous idea ever, and I'm the guy who challenged a hobo to a breakdance fight.
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
nothing like walking in the house at 3 am in my panties and a sheer shirt carrying a life sized cardboard dale earnhardt jr
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
Randomize
