I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
and by charming I mean he has a horse cock.
hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
i should have probably stopped drinking when my beer pong shots were hitting the other team in the face..
yeah thats usually a good indication.
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
My 12 o'clock class is an all star team of my ex's hook ups
Your brother's naked in the courtyard again. Just a head's up.
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
Dude, the worst part is I can't even pretend it didn't happen because she posted a video of it on Facebook.
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