There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
I don't want to talk about it. He was like the Little Engine that couldn't get me off.
You supply the liquor and I'll "accidently" forget my bathing suit.
Deal!
Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
airport. 106 proof japanese liquor. 4 little travel size containers. im proud to be smarter than the average american.
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
He told me he loved me and then asked if we could have sex in the snow
He said he only likes girls with a sense of humor, after he took his pants off I understood why
I just got carded by a ten year old.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
Although the guy I'm messing around with just offered to let me be his rich brother's sugar baby
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
Randomize
