i did the 'picked up item' thing from zelda when i jizzed on her face
so you're single again?
yea but it was worth it
so after morning sex, she rolled a joint and turned on sports center
you might have found the rare bro goddess. i thought they were myth
i need a lesbian romance or unplanned pregnancy for some spicein my life.
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
The couch is in the bathroom. I don't understand how that is even possible. I couldnt even fit that shelf thingy through the door. Come help. I am about to pee my pants.
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
Those mornings you wake up with a Barbie tramp stamp are the mornings that are the that are going to make me miss this place
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
Yeah you'd pretty much be ruined if you broke up with a guy like that and then had to return to the dating pool
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
We will let tequila do the talkin this weekend
I'm not sure you count what happened last night as sex.
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
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