Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
I would have added her but her profile pic was piece of pie
I found her in the trunk, smoking a cigarette, saying every girl should know how to get out of their trunk
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
Why is Kyle using one of my nieces as a blunt object to provoke and attack my other niece?
We ate a mysterious delivered pizza which no one ordered and then the wii wouldn't work so 20 of us watched porn on two laptops. Drunk took the awkward away.
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
Atlanta road trip update. Jimmy fell into the petting tank at the aquarium. And freaked out. With cops now... Keep you posted
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
I'm sure he'll make the rejection quick and completely justified.
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
Randomize
