Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
what is college for if not random hookup sex?
learning.
i would literally fuck learning if i could.
he held my hand while i was giving him head. freud's gotta be turning over in his grave
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
i'm pretty sure i'm on the same train we took last friday..
what?how do you know?
it appears they have not cleaned up your vomit yet.
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
Made it just outside my dorm and yack on the front dirt. Wave to a dad thats staring, continue on my way.
Betting for two different teams with two different guys is the best. Time to get $100 by one guy and laid by the other!
Also he said my vagina was sculpted by gods so there must be some feelings here.
Will u lay on an air mattress with me and drink vodka while we listen to Rick James?
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
Randomize
