I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
she was passed out on the moving sidewalks in the airport, we NEED to travel more often
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
And some old guy told me Jesus loves me and I laughed super hard and told him sinning is fun. Hahaha
How was your 8:30 class today?
Non existent. I just threw up in my water bottle on the bus.
It's gay pride weekend and Father's day.. So in honor of the occassions I am now BI
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
Are there edibles for sale in the Denver airport because if so bring those to my mouth
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
Randomize
