what day is it and did you see me today?
opening your purse in class to grab a pen only to find dollar bills and pink fuzzy handcuffs instead...that's a cool feeling
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
She gained 35 lbs and has an ankle bracelet, time for new booty call.
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
Jameson and I invented street rugby last night. Yeah
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
I'm pleased to know that your mom refers to me as "the ass piliager" now
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
at first i said "no rollerblading if I'm going to be drunk," but we all know how that went
I had the choice between 9 burritos and 1 girl...
And...?
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
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