stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
It was so good the neighbors even had a cigarette.
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
I don't want to date him...I just want him to cheat on his girlfriend with me.
on a campus of 30,000 people, i should not be able to see every single guy I've ever hooked up with at one party.
Randomize
