call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
His best friend walked in while we were banging, turned on the light, yelled BURN, grabbed his computer to play the Thunderstruck drinking game, turned off the light and left.
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
Go for it! You're young. Have fun. Be somebody's expensive hobby like Anastasia Steele.
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
Randomize