Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
I did that thing again where I get way too drunk and go gay. Then wake up in the morning and freak out at the person. Yet another bar I cannot go back to
With sake I got over my irrational fear of seafood. Now I just fear sake.
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
First thing on my "to do" list- get sober for community service.
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
I ripped off the screen and literally supermaned through my bedroom window. That wasted
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
Randomize
