Just tried to tap morse code on the wall seperating our beds to tell you I was awake and ready to smoke
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
While he was going down his phone rang and he answered saying I'll call you later I'm eating.
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
First he fixed my gutter. Then he flogged me and fucked me. Then he bought me a new vacuum cleaner. I don't understand Daddy Dom stuff but I ain't mad at it.
I want to start a guest book for my bed room so when dudes leave they can write a review
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
Randomize
