so i saw this homeless guy this morning yelling at a pay phone like chewbacca.
That's what you get for being in filth-adelphia.
I puked for half an hour, but I went and danced afterwards, and that made me feel better.
You are so irish.
Last night I walked out of the bar got in a cab asked the cabi to circle the block. he did and brought me right back to the bar. I paid him $7 thanked him and walked back into the bar.
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
It's called the eyeliner-blowjob correlation, read a science book bro
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
I'm pathetic. I'm eating cream puffs in the bath and crying a little.
For a guy who came before his dick was out of his pants, he gave surprisingly good head.
I AM GONNA CUM EVERYWHERE TONIGHT BRO.
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
Randomize
