I kind of had a moment like that kid whose mom cancelled his WoW subscription, except I didn't try to shove a remote control up my own ass.
I wonder if she has a lisp when she orgasms...
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
I mean I had a leg brace. It would have been irresponsible for me to be on top.
Maybe someone other than the mad hatter should have gone with him to the ER
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
You're probably reading this when you wake up from your "nap" in the front yard. Maybe next week you should go to class, and not start Thirsty Thursday at 9:30 in the morning.
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
Note to self:A blacklight toga party at a frat house is a bad idea. Some things cannot be unseen
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
He was eating me out on a picnic table on the frame lake trail and right after I came, a group of hikers walked around the corner. Stood up just in time
And this is one of the many reasons why you need a car.
Randomize
