She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
Some girl next to me in class is making a list of whta to pack for spring break & it was a normal list until she put birth control in all caps w/ stars around it
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
A reason for us to be drunk all week National Singles Week
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
with great strapon comes great responsibility.
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
where are my pants?
in the oven.
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
...blackout vacation is awesome. Where did you end up? I think i'm in Miami.
Hospital.
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
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