Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
But I wanna cuddle and just put my hand awkwardly close to your penis area by accident and look at you
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
I AM SO HORNY, I AM GOING TO DIE. I NEED SOMEONE TO WISH MY VAGINA A MERRY CHRISTMAS.
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
Arrived home from picking Mom and Nana up at the airport to find Marc buck ass nude beneath the Christmas tree. Nana says she always knew I was queer.
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